Understanding Why Significant Change Disrupts Our Sense of Safety

The Brain's Preference for Familiarity

Our brains are wired to seek and maintain familiarity as a means of ensuring safety. This preference is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. In times when survival depended on recognising and avoiding potential threats, the brain developed a bias toward the known and predictable. When significant change occurs, like it does during separation and divorce, it disrupts this familiar landscape, triggering a sense of uncertainty that can be perceived as a potential threat to our well-being.

Loss of Control and Predictability

Change often brings with it a loss of control and predictability. The routines and patterns we establish in our lives contribute to a sense of order and security. When these routines are disrupted, whether by external circumstances or intentional choices, we grapple with a perceived loss of control. This loss can evoke feelings of vulnerability and unease, as the future becomes less predictable.

Fear of the Unknown

The fear of the unknown is a powerful psychological force that emerges during significant change. When faced with uncertainty about the outcomes of a new situation, our minds tend to amplify potential risks. This fear is a natural response to protect ourselves from potential threats, but it can also create a heightened state of anxiety, disrupting our sense of safety.

Attachment to Comfort Zones

Human beings tend to create comfort zones – environments or situations where we feel secure and competent. These comfort zones act as psychological havens that provide a sense of safety and familiarity. When confronted with significant change, we are compelled to step outside these comfort zones, which can trigger discomfort and anxiety as we navigate uncharted territory.

Impact on Identity

Significant change often involves shifts in roles, relationships, or personal circumstances. These changes can challenge our established identities and self-perceptions. As we adapt to new roles or redefine our sense of self, there is a natural discomfort associated with letting go of familiar identities. This process of self-discovery and redefinition can be unsettling, disrupting our sense of safety.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance, the psychological discomfort resulting from holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes, can arise during significant change. When our current reality contradicts our established beliefs or expectations, it creates a state of inner tension. This dissonance adds to the overall sense of unease and disrupts the cognitive equilibrium that contributes to our perception of safety.

Social Comparison and External Pressures

In a society that often emphasizes achievement and conformity, significant change can evoke social comparison and external pressures. Comparing ourselves to others or feeling pressured to meet societal expectations can intensify the stress associated with change. This external scrutiny contributes to a sense of being judged, further destabilizing our sense of safety.

Loss and Grief

Many significant changes involve some form of loss, whether it's the loss of a relationship, a job, or a familiar environment. Grief is a natural response to loss, and the process of grieving can be emotionally taxing. The grieving process, with its stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, can disrupt our emotional equilibrium and impact our sense of safety.

So, what can you do?

While change inherently brings about disruption, understanding the psychological mechanisms at play can empower you to navigate the emotional terrain more effectively. Recognising that our brains are wired to seek familiarity, acknowledging the fear of the unknown, and embracing the discomfort of stepping outside our comfort zones are crucial steps toward restoring a sense of safety during these changes.

It's essential to approach change with self-compassion and an awareness that the discomfort we experience is a natural part of the adaptation process. As we navigate the turbulence of change, fostering resilience, seeking support, and allowing ourselves the grace to adjust gradually contributes to rebuilding a sense of safety in the face of the inevitable transformation that follows separation.