The most common reasons for separation we hear about are financial issues, poor communication, a lack of intimacy and connection, infidelity and generally falling out of love. There is an increased risk of separation around the time the children leave home.
Empty nester separation occurs when couples in their 50's suddenly realise they have lost their connection to their spouse in the humdrum of daily life raising kids, and they no longer understand who they are or how they work together as a couple. Discontent is particularly prevalent in women around this time.
Older women aren't prepared to sit at home waiting for the children and grandchildren to show up, and they certainly aren't prepared to mother to our spouses. Modern women have goals and dreams which are a little different to earlier generations, and being an empty nester creates the opportunity and time for women and men to discover who they are again. They either commit to finding that out together, within their relationship, or they look outside the relationship and drift further apart.
In practice as a Sydney family lawyer, we meet people when they are planning for separation, or when it has recently occurred. This information is a collection of the knowledge we have gained about what works during separation, and how to help people avoid conflict during the process and following separation.
What is separation?
Separation means the ending of an intimate partner relationship, including the end of a marriage, defacto relationship or other relationship. It can be an extremely difficult time, and unless you’ve been through it before, you will feel very unsure about what to do next.
What is an amicable separation or divorce?
It’s the holy grail of breaking up. It is the creation of and adjustment to, a new type of relationship, a change in structure of the old relationship. It a new way of working together to solve problems, reach agreements about financial and parenting issues, and generally finding a way to move forward without high conflict to focus on what is best for your family as a connected family unit.
While separation and divorce is emotionally painful and difficult, with commitment and a lot of compromise and effort, you can achieve a low conflict, family focused and amicable outcome.
I’m going to show you how.
Getting the right Help
According to psychotherapist Brooke Bralove, "Many couples approach the divorce process with anger, resentment, and unmet needs and expectations from their marriage. This is what often fuels partners to create conflict in the divorce process, rather than create an amicable atmosphere in which they acknowledge the end goal of divorce."
I would have to agree. The first 30 minutes or so of every first meeting I have with clients involves them telling me everything that happened in their relationship and led them to my office. There is a lot of tears, criticism, blame and anger. Interestingly though, in the midst of all that pain, most people say they do not want to go to court. They want to negotiate a settlement as quickly and efficiently as possible. Ideally, they want to achieve an amicable outcome.
But wanting something and achieving it are two very different things. I want to lose weight. I have a gym membership. But that in itself does not mean I will achieve my goal if I am not prepared to put those two things together, and commit to the work it takes to achieve sustainable weight loss.
Getting the right help is a game changer.
Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist to process your pain, the fear and emotions and find a positive path forward is the difference between a sad, angry, crappy divorce experience, and a future in which you learn to address the sources of your pain, adapt and thrive.
Getting your team of trusted advisors together will help you solve problems, quickly. I don’t mean your girlfriends. In fact stay away from anyone who hasn't had a positive separation experience, as they will tell you nothing but war stories and it will convince you that you are destined for the same outcome. There is a popular quote rom Henry Ford that goes, “If you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you are right”.
Believe you can achieve an amicable separation. If you commit to and believe you will do the work needed for a strong mindset so you can’t and won't be pulled down the rabbit hole of conflict, you will have acquired one of the most important things have need to achieve an amicable, family focused separation.
Get your A team of advisors together
A great psychotherapist or counsellor, a mortgage broker and/or financial advisor to help you figure out your new budget and understand your borrowing capacity moving forward. A parenting co-ordinator to help you work out a workable solution for the children spending time with each parent, if you don’t think you can resolve that issue together.
If you feel you need advice from a lawyer, make sure it is a family lawyer who is genuinely dedicated to helping families achieve an amicable outcome. Many lawyers spruik that position but their advice quickly generates fear and conflict. Find a lawyer who speaks about actively identifying and solving problems, and uses creative strategies to resolve problems and avoid conflict.
If lawyers don’t use that kind of language in your meeting with them, run. Run out of their office quickly and don’t look back.
Don’t let your emotions get the better of you & using empathy in your communications
Once you have a clear plan for managing and resolving your pain, and have a better understanding of what you want to achieve moving forward, communicate clearly, be consistent and reliable.
What I mean by that is, if you say you are going to do something, then do it. If you say you aren't going to do something, ie withhold the kids from their dad, then don’t do it, no matter how angry you get. I always say to clients, if you say you are going to paint a wall black, then paint it black, not a shade of grey. Be reliable and communicate clearly, kindly and consistently about what you want and how you would like to achieve it.
Listening is another incredibly important skill to practice, particularly during separation. I know that sounds hard, and it might be. But if you can find out what the other person needs or wants, and what problems they are trying to solve, you may be able to work together to solve problems in a family focused way. Let me give you an example.
A few years ago a middle aged couple were tightly locked into a war about their finances. The key issue was the eldest child, who was autistic and unable to live independently, remained living with the wife/mother. The mother had always stayed at home caring for the children and would continue in that role for the eldest child, after separation. Her needs were to keep a roof over their head and to ensure, once the eldest child was given accommodation in a supported community for young adults, the mother was able to buy a property without a mortgage. But, she had no way of achieving that if the house had to be sold immediately, but she had to wait to buy another property for herself. She had no way of getting a mortgage in the future but the husband wanted the assets split immediately to protect his business assets (which was the sole source of the income to the family).
Big problems which seemed insurmountable when you need to split into 2 households.
By listening to the reasons behind the parties entrenched positions, we were able to use creative strategies to reach a settlement agreement that allowed everyone achieve what they needed. The husband’s business interest was protected for him, and the mother remained living in the family home with the eldest child for up to 10 years.
Once the eldest child had relocated in suitable accomodation, the property was sold and the proceeds of sale divided in a way that allowed the mother to buy a property for herself, without a mortgage, and the husband received the remainder. The superannuation was divided equally between them and the husband provided maintenance to the wife for an agreed period of time whilst she retrained and was able to start producing an income.
By negotiating from a place of actively addressing the concerns of each party and solving the problems of the family as a unit, conflict was reduced, the wife felt financially secure, the husband felt secure knowing he maintained an interest in the house and his business was secure, and we avoided expensive litigation. The parties were able to continue communicating, which was incredibly important as they faced the challenges of their children, but particularly their eldest child.
The level of understanding we have towards one another during separation can vary from person to person, but it is a quality worth nurturing. Empathy begets empathy. If you practice empathy in all your communication with your ex, you increase the chance of cooperation from them. And don’t forget, it is OK to say thank you and to express gratitude when you are able to communicate and reach decisions the interests of solving problems for your family.
Rank and stay focused on your priorities
As a person committed to achieving an amicable separation and divorce, you have to accept the need to compromise. Make a list of the things that are important to you by creating two columns. The first column is what you need, the second column is why. Defining the why helps you communicate clearly about why something is important and reduces emotional stress during negotiations. It also helps you stay focused on what genuinely needs to be solved, and what compromises you can make.
Using our family above, the wife’s list was:
WHAT WHY
Priority 1 Roof over our head
Need to house son and self
No income, won't be able to get mortgage
What happens after son moves into support
Will I have to rent for the rest of my life?
Priority 2 Need money
Now Have to care for son - Can’t work
Using joint credit card but might stop
In the future No paid employment in 15 years
? Unemployable - Need to train in something
How can I find time to train when caring for son
How to pay for everything when learning
How to pay for everything in the future
Priority 3 Superannuation
Have minimal super
Will be stuck on old age pension in future
(Compromise if can buy a property in the future - after settlement)
Priority 4 Car
Would like to keep Mercedes (LEASE PAYMENTS)
(Compromise and take Jeep) H wants to get rid of lease payments
Husband offered Jeep
Jeep suitable for son and me
Remember, it’s not about winning or losing, or about who gets more or who gets less. It’s about solving the problems of the family as a unit, which allows everyone to move on in a more positive way. It is not about equality or percentages. It is about taking a considered, measured approach to achieving an equitable outcome for everyone involved and creating a secure family unit living over two homes.
Set healthy boundaries and leave anger at the door
If you are newly separated, I know you are going through a huge amount of emotional turmoil right now, and what this article talks about might feel unachievable. Fear and pain does that. It has the ability to leave you feeling like the oxygen has been out of your lungs and leaves you floundering like fish out of water. In the words of one of my favourite clients, “it is a wild and angry sh*tstorm”.
It is important to remember, we teach people how to treat us, and when we separate, we get to create new boundaries with those people.
Usually, clients stories include patterns of communication that took place during the relationship. One person may have been more prone to making the final decisions needed, which may have led to them effectively telling the other person what to do. That often leaves people feeling like they need to run decisions made during separation past their ex, to make sure their ex is happy with the decision made.
Separation and divorce, is a new chapter in your relationship story. You shouldn't expect the same style or amount of communication with your ex as you had before separation. And for some people, that's a huge relief. You get to set the conditions on which they can communicate with you. I’m not talking about control. I’m talking about leading by example. Communicating carefully, with empathy and with a commitment to problem solving and reaching an amicable separation.
Don’t make threats or give ultimatums. It won’t work and will only result in you both becoming more fixed in your attitude towards each other, creating a rigid, inflexible environment, leading to litigation. Don’t fixate on what your ex is doing, or not doing, and get on with refocusing the direction of your life.
And finally.... the Kids
While separation may change your family's structure, it doesn't have to mean the end of your family.
Experience has taught me, and I truly believe, that when separating parents can work together to solve problems and maintain a respectful, family-focused relationship, the whole family can adapt and thrive. Adapt to the family existing in two households, and thrive by creating a positive, family-focused co-parenting relationship marked by trust and mutual respect.
I recall a family locked in proceedings from almost the moment they separated, until the matter was finalised by a Judge a couple of years later. After the initial court orders were made and everyone had settled down, the parents found themselves occasionally having to work together to solve problems involving their children. When they let down their guards, and allowed themselves to be in one place together with the kids, simply enjoying some downtime at the park or a beach, the kids were incredibly happy and that made them happy. The kids told them they wanted to come together like that more often, and even though both parents felt sad about everything that had occurred, and prevented them from taking that step earlier, they committed to making the effort.
To this day, the parents commit to spending one day together as a family unit, each and every month. The kids love it. The parents love it, and they create opportunities for new memories to be created as a whole family unit. There are more photos now of the happy smiling family than existed before separation!
It’s a surprising outcome given how long these people fought after they separated. But fundamentally, they are good people, and their beautiful children were the glue that helped them find a way back to a positive co-parenting relationship. Dont think for a minute that the relationship is perfect. It’s not! But ultimately, they have created the infrastructure to solve problems as a bonded family unit, and prioritise their love for their family over whatever issue ay arise.
Our take away message
This is a long article. In fact, it’s probably a bunch of articles in one.
If you take away nothing else, please take away this. With the right attitude and mindset, and a commitment to achieving an amicable separation, you can reach the holy grail of separation. A unified family living in two homes where everyone adapts and thrives. Yep, its going to take hard work and there may be times when you think it’s a ridiculous goal. But its not. You, your kids, and family are worth every little bit of effort it takes to achieve it. And we are going to nurture you through the process, every step of the way.
